


Still Unrequited Love

by EvisceratedArchangel



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Heavy Angst, Sadstuck, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-04
Updated: 2015-07-04
Packaged: 2018-04-07 15:23:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4268370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EvisceratedArchangel/pseuds/EvisceratedArchangel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat deals with the traumatic emotional aftermath after Terezi chooses Dave over him, and he tries to work through the overwhelming ways he feels.</p>
<p>He made you sick the very thought of him made you feel sick and empty. Like you'd swallowed some sort of asphalt and that black churning rock sat in your stomach and weighed you down. Then your anger deflated, leaving you feeling miserable and hollow once again. Indifferent to everything going on around you, except that nothing was fair and you felt sad.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still Unrequited Love

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 6 am and it is 100% vent work.

 

You sighed into the side of your pillow, lamenting things that probably never really were. It was nearly 6 in the morning, not that you could really tell. Your room had no windows, even if it did there was nothing outside them to look at and no sun or moon to rise to wake you. Nothing can wake you though, if you can't sleep.

Your head throbbed morosely and you didn't know if you had a headache because you couldn't sleep, or if you couldn't sleep because you had a headache. Or if you had a headache for an entirely different reason, bashing your head against the wall earlier probably hadn't helped.

Your head continued to throb, the miserable pain was had enough to make your jaw ache and the back of your eyes burn enough you almost craved to scrape them out of your skull and toss them as far from you as you could. You wonder sulkily if this was anything like the migraines Sollux had told you about.

Your cellular device chimes at you and informs you in garbled Alternian that it was 6 am. Usually you would find the update pleasant, taking comfort in the familiarity of your mother tongue. Right now though it only reminded you that through yet another 'night' cycle you hadn't slept a wink. You think you're definitely on the verge of sleep deprivation, if you haven't already tumbled bulge-first into that yawning chasm.

You remember when Rose had first given you the little thing, she had told you it was important to have a way to contact each other so she'd had Dave alchemize one for each of them. Dave's face inadvertently swam in your mind's eye for a second as you remembered and you clenched your teeth tight enough to make your aching jaw creak and your stomach churns.

He made you sick the very thought of him made you feel sick and empty. Like you'd swallowed some sort of asphalt and that black churning rock sat in your stomach and weighed you down. Then your anger deflated, leaving you feeling miserable and hollow once again. Indifferent to everything going on around you, except that nothing was fair and you felt sad.

Your eyes stung for an entirely different reason than your headache and your cursed the tears silently as they crested your cheeks only slide down the side of your face and over the bridge of your nose only to drop off onto the pillowcase below your head and soak in. Stupid crying, crying while laying on your side completely ruined the romanticism of it.

Your heart aches and not for the first time you miss Gamzee, you miss what little comfort he could provide for you. You just wish he were here, even if he did kill your friends and lose his mind and traumatize you. He was still your moirail, moirails were supposed to take care of each other not be off fuck-knows-where doing hell knows what. Only fitting that when you really needed him that crazy clowny fucker had to have abandoned you like everyone else.

You took a deep breath the voice in your head shouting far too loud at you, _COME ON KARKAT! GROW SOME BACKBONE! YOU DON'T NEED THEM! YOU'RE TOUGH ENOUGH ON YOUR OWN YOU DON'T NEED ANYONE!_

It wouldn't last though, even as you tried to steel yourself you were deflating again heavy heart weighed down with an even heavier mind. You wonder absently if you were to just stay in here, would anyone ever come looking for you, or would they just continue to forget all about you until your worthless mutant carcass had dried to nothing but shriveled bones? The thought should bother you, even terrify you, but it doesn't. No matter how much you fear being forgotten and abandoned, you just cant bring yourself to care right now.

You yawn, still exhausted, and the action causes your dry bottom lip to split. You pull it into your mouth and lap at the small stinging tear in your lip, the tang of blood making your stomach churn again. You never liked the taste of blood, least of all yours. It tasted the way burning plastic smelled and the flavor in the back of your throat when you suck on a coin.

You knew this was inordinate, mutant blood, as you vaguely remembered the taste of Kanaya's blood when you kissed her to revive her. You'd been a little busy to do much noticing but you knew it tasted of a similar underlying taste of coins and the taste you get when you chew on flower petals. Your heart squeezes a little in your chest, your first kiss lost to your dead friend. It was worth it though you guess, to save her life. Even if she had abandoned you like everyone else. Traitors. You wondered what Terezi's blood tasted like, not that you had a taste for it anyway.

You feel so twisted up and helpless for a second, your whole mind stops. You just _wish_ , and you don't even know what you wish for. You hated how the very flick of thought of her lifted you up just for a second before you come crashing down again, you hate that how you feel about her makes you feel so vulnerable and inadequate.

You hate that you ever let yourself believe she might actually pick you. That bullshit unrequited red painted on your cheek, so eager and hopeful and reluctantly needy. Only for her to choose that smug douche over you. You can't blame her, but at the same time you do. Why would she ever want _you_ , but also how could she abandon you for him when you'd tried so hard to make her happy? You hated how you felt, like some shitty abandoned ship left to drift.

You shake your head forcefully, as if to physically dispel those dreaded thoughts from your mind, and your head spins and throbs like it might burst open. You sit up too fast and stretch your legs out, your couldn't let those thoughts linger and continue to descend. You reach out to the table by your bed and grab the bottle of water you had grabbed when you last left your room, but never opened. You twist the cap off and took a long drink, the smooth liquid soothing your throat. When you pull away you drag the tip of your tongue over the split in your lip and the water soothes that too. If only everything you be solved with water.

You pop you knuckles just to move, and the base of your fingers groan in protest. You always popped your knuckles to much and made them hurt. To make you tougher of course, the mild nonchalant self-abuse to make you stronger. It never worked though because it still hurt.

You'd taken it up so long ago now though, it was more a force of habit to pop them than anything else. You'd read somewhere that popping your knuckles was bad for you because it was supposed to make your knuckles bigger, so you had taken it doing it because you'd wanted big claws like your Crabdad.

Terezi always told you she hated the sound, you never got why she was so squeamish about it but since she didn't like it you tried hard to stop. It didn't seem to have helped though. She still chose Dave, with his soft fleshy hands and broader body. Opposed to your calloused hands, and thin body. Growing thinner the longer food repulsed you.

You hated Dave, hated that in spite of how hard you tried and how he blatantly _didn't_ , he got the girl in the end. Life wasn't some bullshit rom-com where everything works out in the end, and you hated him for making that starkly clear to you. You wanted to ruin him, you wanted to bite him and tear him and rip him apart until there was nothing left. You never wanted to see his smug face again, if you could scrub your mind of him and ignore his very existence, you would.

You pitched the water bottle across the room in frustration and flopped back against your pillow, taking some satisfaction in the sound of the water spattering against the walls and floor. You hoped you fucking slipped in it next time you got up. You took a shuddering breath and sighed it away, your insides all twisted up in a pit of pitch black self hatred. You could never hate anyone as much as you hated yourself, down to your very soul.

You rolled back over onto your side, the overwhelming emotions beginning to ebb and misery and indifference flowing back up to replace them. You clutched at one of your larger pillows, pulling it to your chest and clutching your arms and legs around it. Desperately needing some sort of living contact, but the plush pillow lacked the warmth you craved.

Your eyes stung again as tears trickled meekly over your face again and all you could think was that it wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that she was waking up in someone else's arms, and you were lying awake with a pillow and a headache.

 


End file.
